i've been asked to update..
and i've been asked to update in a non-vague way.

so that whole "this not being what i expected" thing.
it's not a bad thing.
at all.

i'm just realizing [again+again+again..] that i had these expectations of a relationship+the guy i would date. some were little things [we'd both love coffee+talk about coffee a lot], others were bigger things [we'd have the exact same ideas for child-raising and whatever else]. and i'm not sure if it's just the way i was taught growing up [have expectations+don't date anyone who doesn't meet up to everything!] or what it is, but i'm seeing how a lot of those expectations hinder a real relationship.
i'm not saying that some expectations are bad or that he doesn't fit them.
it's other things that matter, though, and that's what i keep seeing..

does he encourage me to be myself no matter what? check.
does he respect what i'm saying+want to hear it? check.
does he have an open mind? check.
does he find people important? check.

i don't know. the list goes on. but that's i guess how i feel about expectations now.


i talk too much. i talk to freaking much. i like to process things, think though things, try to figure it out.. i don't do well with experiencing things.
oh i talk about how i want to experience things.
but i suck at actually doing that.
and here i am just talking about it again..


i focus on the past too much. and kind of the future. not the present, though. i'm trying.. it's just so damn difficult sometimes.


for the first time in awhile [maybe ever], i saw us on the same level+really kind of understood. it was weird. and good. but it's really good to understand how my background is not normal [to say the least].


i'm lucky/blessed/fortunate.


oh, and i'm dating pacey witter. it's probably a bad thing that i start to understand him a little more after watching dawson's, but it's true.


i'm also realizing the more important things in life. again, it's something i talk about all the time..
but maybe one comment doesn't define everything about how he feels+thinks+sees me.
and maybe there are several more important things in life than thinking about that one comment.
and maybe i can't analyze everything+figure it all out.


and maybe it's just more important to live life, see the beauty, make mistakes, and love love love.

i felt it today..
it was so great.
and nice.
and just great to be loved, to be understood, to know that another believes in+hopes for similar things.



i'm trying to think positively.
because sometime in the past couple of years [more in the past year], i've become more negative.
and i don't want that.

it's difficult for me to not live in the past.
to not compare myself/this to them/then.
but i want to live in the present, be one who recognizes that things happen..
but take the now and move forward.

i want to keep believing, keep hoping, keep dreaming.
but i also want to start ACTING.

and he reminds me of that.